Life Unrest
A blogger going absent for a few weeks doesn’t necessarily mean that they have no valid thoughts to share on life anymore, in my world it simply means I’ve had too many thoughts flying around in my little head to warrant sorting it all out in a coherent fashion.My mind has literally been-a-mush since I returned from my prolonged Midwest trip. I know part of it can be attributed to me missing the parts of a life there that I could never have here…namely, a constant state of pure sanity. The rest of my strife, however, is a combination of things that I have no possible way to begin explaining…
…but I’ll give it a whirl anyway…
Am I dissatisfied with my profession? Maybe…after all, I create air. Yes, I create nothing of tangible quality. Air = Sway public opinion. Drive purchase intent. Increase brand awareness…in other words…nothing that will really matter in the end. I’m definitely not saving lives here. Maybe I just need a new project to get rejuved? Maybe I need a new environment? I have no idea what I need...
Am I done with being a workaholic? Absofuckinglutely! New York breeds workaholics and in my profession…it’s tantamount to life. Well, I’m sick of it. I’m of the cloth that believes one should work to live, not live to work. It’s really upsetting when the role models in my industry are not reaping the benefits of years of loyal service. Instead they never work out, rarely see their friends, are at work until midnight and never seem satisfied with the work they do. Not exactly something to look up to, especially when I create air for a living.
Am I over New York? Perhaps. I’m sick of the rat race. I’m sick of feeling like I will never catch up to the cost of living. I’m sick of feeling like the cheap skate. I’m sick of knowing I’ll never own anything of value if I stay here. I’m sick of the perverts that hang out on my stoop in the summer and harass me day in and day out. I’m sick of my roommate. I’m sick of pigeons fucking on top of my air conditioner every morning at 5am. I’m sick of rude people on the subway. I'm sick of being sick of things.
Am I annoyed with the scene? Sometimes. I know I’ll likely never meet a potential man if I stay here. I hate pretentious nightclubs and the cost (to my ego and pocketbook) of going there. I hate going through the motions when I know I hate feeling hungover and broke the next day. I’d rather sit at home or in a cozy lounge with a few friends and just chat with a nice glass of red, and then wake up to a cup of coffee and the morning paper. Is New York is getting too high strung for me or am I becoming contentedly anti-social?
I don’t even know how to piece this all together, but I do know that I have a lot of thinking to do over the summer. I do know one thing...I hope I'll have some answers soon because a state of unknown is a frustrating place for me to be. I hate the unknown.
posted by Lisa @ 6:04 PM
8 Comments:
good luck to you!
don't say that you hate the unknown! you should embrace it!
i think that's what your next step should be -- acknowledging and embracing that which you don't know, and overcoming it?
i need to do that. my being stuck in a rut is just as hateful.
Pook - You have a point. My problem with the unknown is that I usually feel as though I need to be doing something or moving toward some kind of goal or end game.
My idea of being content with the unknown is difficult to embrace because it essentially means I'm not going anywhere...and there are so many places to go!
I think my problem is mainly about embracing my gut instinct and following it, even though there may be difficult trade offs to make with that choice.
You moving back to the mid-west? Cause that's what it is sounding like... With Ivy on Hudson out there, it is only a matter of time before you too pack up and move out...
I noticed last time I was in NYC, I was kind of over it. I had always fantasized about living in the city, but the last time I was there, I just didn't feel that anymore. I can only imagine the frustration of living there. I am sure you'll figure it all out with time.
maybe it's just growing up, trying to figure out what you want, where you're going, where you've been. even in the urban midwest, i'm having the same feelings.
I have totally gone from wanting to party all the time and be out to just wanting to hang out at home. It's weird and freaks me out. Is it just a phase?
Well, how old are you? Around 30, I started growing tired of partying all the time. And by 35, I was definitely over it. I'm now 39, and while I like to get silly crazy once in awhile, I definitely have lots of evenings where I just want to go to a movie or hang out at home or have a mellow dinner and go to bed early.
Also, about the NYC frustrations. I moved here last August from Chicago, and I am feeling the same way. I came here for a Ph.D. program, and so I'm here for at least 18 more months, maybe 2 more years, but I can't imagine staying here and trying to keep up with the cost of living. And what you get for your money is woefully pathetic to what I had in Chicago, space-wise. It's a darned tough place to be, New York City; it tries to chew you up and spit you out, and it takes a ton of determination to not pack your bags and get outta Dodge.
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