The White Dress Dream
Most women at one time or another have pondered what their wedding will be like. The dress, the location, the rings...and, of course, the man. Over the last few weeks I’ve had many conversations about marriage with several friends and have to wonder if matrimony is still as important as society as always held, or if it just a “white dress dream” that we ladies need to wake up to...Friend #1 just woke up from her dream...
Many dreamers have gone into marriage saying they will never get a divorce, however time and life changes may negate this intention - as is true for a girlfriend of mine. Divorce is never something anyone who gets married intends for, yet over 50% of couples end in this unfortunate predicament. According to my pal, going through this experience is a “wake up call” to the dream we all have as adolescents. The wedding is the fun part, but therein lies the marriage part which takes more work and effort than anyone can anticipate. She will undoubtedly find herself a new lobster, however she adamantly claims that no white dress will be worn.
Friend #2 is a woman with “a plan”...
Another good friend of mine is head over heels in love. Every woman, marriage or no, wants love. As with love comes the question of commitment, and to my friend, a ring on her finger is the answer she is looking for in her quest for a long term plan with her man. She would never uproot her life and independence unless this guy antes up and ties the knot. It’s practical to think this way...after all, why would anyone make any drastic changes to their life for a maybe?
Friend #3 is a modernist...
Back in the day, a good college friend and I always maintained that we were the two out of our crew that didn’t like kids all that much and wondered if we’d ever find the right man. She is still a true cynic even though she has an 18-month-old child and was recently married. Despite the contradictory path her life has taken, she still maintains a “modernist” view on getting hitched. To put it plainly, it’s a legal commitment. She and her husband got married for the sake of their child, but had she not had her son she may have never put on the big white dress. She was secure in her relationship and never thought a fancy ceremony, based on religious traditions that she wasn’t entirely a fan of, was necessary.
After listening to all of my friends, I have to stop and wonder what all the fuss is about. In truth, I tend to agree with my college friend in that a wedding is a ceremony that has been imparted on us by religious traditions from yesteryear. Is it still imperative to go through with an event that is based on notions that may be outdated or not within a current belief structure?
Then bears the question of if a fancy-schmancy event isn’t in the cards, then is the relationship sound enough to enter into a legal partnership? Because in reality, outside of the relationship itself, this is what a marriage is. To be in a committed relationship, why is it still so important to sign some papers if the whole point is to just be together?
And then a light goes on...getting married eliminates the “maybe” from the scenario - whether as part of the dream or in a practical sense. Does the white dress dream stand for eternal stability?
Women have been taught since the beginning of time to seek binding stability through a partnership with a man who can provide. With this thought in mind, it's my inclination to think that in a day and age when men are no longer the sole “providers,” perhaps it’s time for everyone to look at “stability” in another light. Of course, to each their own...
posted by Lisa @ 6:03 PM
7 Comments:
Ironically, I also spent time this weekend defending the institute of marriage. I ran out of reasons why a couple should get married. I ended up muttering "why not" and "cause that's what my mom did".
Considering that my mom also applied baby oil when sunbathing, I realize these are absolute worst reasons to get married EVER!
I look awful in white anyway...
Side Note: Elle (aka word thief) nice use of "yesteryear." I'll let it slide in exchange for the eloquently written post...
Hello Elle,
Funny I should stumble upon this post today. A dear friend of mine who is an intelligent, 39 year old doctor in NYC, and doesn't believe in marriage, just told me she's pregnant. The email went something like..."Oh...I'm pregnant...don't scream!!! Going to Ecudor for 10 days."
So now I'm wondering, will this self sufficient woman, who doesn't believe in marriage, marry? Hmmm.
ps. At the risk of sounding like a spammer (I promise, I'm not), I just launched a modern woman's divorce guide, which your friend may find useful. She can find it at www.moddivorce.com or www.themodernwomansdivorceguide.com
Best,
what the fairy tale never mentiones is after the wedding. there needs to be sequals written: Cinderella 2: Cindy moves into the castle with her mother-in-law, finds the prince is a self-absobed SOB and won't let her have a career
I find all of this highly entertaining as friend #1 from the story. I don't know...white dress dream--more of a nightmare. And...I wore it after labor day! Cursed...cursed!!!
But I guess...never say never.
I happened to stumble on your site and what a great post!! I think I will one day get married, but I am going to try to hold off for as long as possible. I don't meet too many happily married people now-a-days.
Elle: Ahh, if only more people thought like you. Perhaps, increasingly, people are thinking like you. Unless there are children involved, it is utterly insane for two, fully-grown, mature, independent adults to need a special legal status and a formal ceremony to have a romantic relationship, even a life-long, monogamous romantic relationship. A wedding might be fun, but, for the same amount of money, one could have a pretty serious holiday with just as many excellent photographs and memories, and probably far more.
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